Saturday, 22 January 2011


Recently I have been doing some thinking about something that I know has been getting to me, even though I know it shouldnt. I am nearly 18 now, and sure i'm looking forward to it, and my party, just being able to chill with my friends and do some drinking..... legally. But i have also been thinking that I am nearly 18, yet I have had nothing remotely close to a relationship and to be honest it kind of sucks knowing it. One solution that was offered to me in order to fix the problems are to 'take a hammer' to them, in all honesty that wouldnt work with this because the problem is me.

My first issue was my lack of self confidence, the result of having a long period of time without any communication with girls, I have addressed this and my confidence is increasing around girls, at this time I would say that some of my closest friends are girls now, however I still lack any confidence in terms of relationships. People have said to me that relationships aren't all that and all that happens is that they end in hurt when they go wrong, but to be honest I wouldn't mind facing the hurt if a relationship does go wrong, because then at least I can say that I have tried, even if it is horrible at least then I made a move, and if anything it would provide experience so then at least I am prepared for it if it happened another time.

Because of my lack of confidence with this, I am not doing myself any favours and I will admit this, I keep thinking about, because my lack of confidence, will it stop me from admitting my actual feelings, for all I know, there could be a point when I may like someone yet I will not make a move because I wont admit to myself I like them, this is one problem with my confidence issues. The other problem is the on the opposite end of the spectrum, if by some miracle someone does like me at some point, chances are I wouldn't even realise, meaning i wont make a chance, once again this is another problem with the mind set that I am 'lucky' enough to have.

The people have told me to wait rather than to go out your way, and I can see why, its to prevent the pain/hurt caused by the failure of a relationship. But how long will I have to wait before anything, or will I be able to change the way I think when it comes down to relationships? I will wait, I will follow the advice but to be honest it is horrible thinking this way, it would be nice to at least experience a possible relationship before I start university, however I dont expect anything to happen, I think I have to change before anything, whether I will or not i don't know...

Sunday, 2 January 2011

All These Things I Hate

The title of this blog, is actually the name of the song I'm listening to, though it also has some relevance right now, so why not use it?

Parents seem to seem to think that they know best mainly due to 'experience', however what about if the child has more experience than the parent, I say this because right now, my family life is at a horrible place right now, it seems like my mum and I are completely opposite and this is causing near enough constant arguements. I respect my mum, no  matter what she says, she is a single mother of two, working a full time job as well as trying to look after my recently widowed grandmother..... this leads to stress, which I fully understand, i'm not heartless and I understand its a horrible situation.

What gets me is when apparently I dont know what stress and depression are like, just because she is older apparently I dont get depressed and stressed, no that is wrong, I have experienced stress, as well as depression, I imagine that I have had been in a worse situation than her, I know how horrible it was and when I was experiencing it I had nobody to talk to, I dont wish this on anyone else which is why I am always willing to talk to someone if they feel down, I dont want people getting to that stage, most people are willing to talk, but my mum is stubborn, I try to talk to her but to no avail, she seems to think I dont know what it is like when actually I do. All that happens instead is that we argue and I get close to saying things I know I would regrett because they would be said in spite.

Normally if I get to this stage I would just go for a long walk, but at the moment I am unable to do so, instead i'm here deafening myself with music which doesnt really help my mood, but it saves me shouting if I just listen to a Welshman doing it instead straight into my ears as loud as I can get it. Once I am able to walk however I can imagine myself walking out alot, into the darkness, where I would go I dont know, but right now I could just do with walking in the darkness for a few hours to clear my mind, but those walks will have to wait.

Saturday, 1 January 2011


So the new year has come, a fresh start has now arrived. I will say that the start of 2011 has been the best start to a year that I have had so far, I was counting down to midnight surrounded by close friends with a beer in hand, just having fun. Once the clocks hit midnight, there wasnt any negative feelings whatsoever, as everyone was hugging each other, wishing each other the best for the next year. I even spent about one and a half hours non stop laughing due to a comment that was made, I still laugh when I think of it.

The arrival of the new year also means that I have to consider what I want to achieve in the year to come, one of my friends believes that new year resolutions are over rated, they are never fulfilled throughout the year, and to some extent this is true, most years I will make a resolution such as to stop fighting with my younger brother, of course this fails after a period of time. However these resolutions will also be the goals I plan to achieve during my first year of adulthood. I have some very typical resolutions such as being able to drive within the year as well as doing well in my education and making my way into university. Though I also have my personal goals I want to achieve within my self, in order to improve myself as a person. One of these would be my confidence, although my confidence has improved recently, I would still like to improve it even further, especially as I will be going to university (hopefully) meaning I will have yet another new start, Im hoping by improving my confidence, when it comes to this new start I can fit in easier. Another resolution of mine is all about my friends, Towards the end of last year I was helping my friends out whenever they had any problems, my plan is to continue to be the person my friends can trust if they have a problem, no matter what it is. I plan to still be the friend who is willing to help, no matter what happens.

So I have my plans for the new year, and I hope that I can achieve them all, and hopefully by doing so I can further improve myself as a person.

Thursday, 30 December 2010


Today is the last day of 2010. Tomorrow is the start of a new year, therefore I believe it is time to try something new. However before I start this maybe I should write about myself. The life I lead most of the time is a lie, although I am able to be happy around people, alot of the time the things deeper inside of me are kept hidden. This is a problem that I am able to acknowledge but am still unable to change easily. Throughout my life I wasn't always the most popular of people, although I had friends within school, that is where they remained, outside of school I was isolated from my peers, both male and female, especially female (I had a period of about 5 years where I had little or no contact with girls) This often lead to depression.... one case which was severe, however I was able to pick myself up after failing to reach the end. Although now I am glad to say I am genreally a well liked, and generally known by most my peers within school, I also have a great group of friends, which now includes girls as well, for this I have one person to thank in particular, it started when she made a comment linking me to a character in a childs show, this link was made due to the colour of my hair, to start with I was cautious, a life time of torment meant I couldnt trust people easily as I did not know whether or not they would build up somewhat of a level of trust before destroying it, however later in time, this one word she used created a friendship between us, one I am truely thankful for as I would now say she is perhaps my closest female friend (if she does read this, I thank you for so much). Her friendship led to many others as I begun to gain some confidence around girls and therefore I started to create more bonds with people. This has now reached a point where I feel accepted within this small but great group of people.

Not only have I had the oppurtunity to create new friendships recently, I have also had the chance to strengthen older ones that I never really truely appreciated until recently. One of which stands out in particular, although I have known this person and got on with them for the past 5 or 6 years, our friendship has flourished in the past few months. Me and him are both very similar in character which is possibly why I felt the need to help him when I first was told about his problem, he told me of a girl whom he had feelings for, however he was too scared to tell her his true feelings, as she had feelings for another one of his close friends. When he told me of this dilema, I was puzzled,  have no experience in relationships so I felt useless, however I talked to him about his problem. After many late night talks with him (not all about the situation) I sat down and thought about his situation, personally I disagreed with his beliefs but understood why he did what he did. A couple of night ago he began to talk to me about his feelings about this girl, who had recently had a disagreement with this boy who she previously had feelings for. My friend told me how he was feeling and soon after his tone changed, something had happened which looked like it tipped him over the edge. After thinking about it, I decided to tell him what I thought he should do, I helped to convince him that he should do what he wants, rather than looking after his friends before himself. He agreed to do so, this ended this situation, however through this whole process we bonded as friends, he is what I now consider to be one of my closest friends and I wish him all the best for what his next step will be (I know he will probably read this, so good luck)

The reason I have decided to start up this blog is down to a mixture of things, two of my friends as well as my own character and personality. One major flaw within myself is the way I put others before myself...... although this is selfless it also has the negatives..... my emotions are often left buried and often they will not escape. A postive aspect for this is that I believe I am a good, loyal friend, I am willing to do anything to help my friends no matter the consequences for me, this has come into play recently as I was willing to help a friend, however it may have potentially backfired..... however this is another days blogging as I do not know the results of this event yet. Like i said earlier though, my williness to put my friends above myself also means that alot of my true feeling are kept hidden in order for me to help my friends with their own problems. I hope that by setting up a blog I may be able to release some of these feelings and emotions if needed.

Hopefully this will work, but for now it is nearly 5.00AM and I need some sleep, so for now, peace.