Saturday, 22 January 2011


Recently I have been doing some thinking about something that I know has been getting to me, even though I know it shouldnt. I am nearly 18 now, and sure i'm looking forward to it, and my party, just being able to chill with my friends and do some drinking..... legally. But i have also been thinking that I am nearly 18, yet I have had nothing remotely close to a relationship and to be honest it kind of sucks knowing it. One solution that was offered to me in order to fix the problems are to 'take a hammer' to them, in all honesty that wouldnt work with this because the problem is me.

My first issue was my lack of self confidence, the result of having a long period of time without any communication with girls, I have addressed this and my confidence is increasing around girls, at this time I would say that some of my closest friends are girls now, however I still lack any confidence in terms of relationships. People have said to me that relationships aren't all that and all that happens is that they end in hurt when they go wrong, but to be honest I wouldn't mind facing the hurt if a relationship does go wrong, because then at least I can say that I have tried, even if it is horrible at least then I made a move, and if anything it would provide experience so then at least I am prepared for it if it happened another time.

Because of my lack of confidence with this, I am not doing myself any favours and I will admit this, I keep thinking about, because my lack of confidence, will it stop me from admitting my actual feelings, for all I know, there could be a point when I may like someone yet I will not make a move because I wont admit to myself I like them, this is one problem with my confidence issues. The other problem is the on the opposite end of the spectrum, if by some miracle someone does like me at some point, chances are I wouldn't even realise, meaning i wont make a chance, once again this is another problem with the mind set that I am 'lucky' enough to have.

The people have told me to wait rather than to go out your way, and I can see why, its to prevent the pain/hurt caused by the failure of a relationship. But how long will I have to wait before anything, or will I be able to change the way I think when it comes down to relationships? I will wait, I will follow the advice but to be honest it is horrible thinking this way, it would be nice to at least experience a possible relationship before I start university, however I dont expect anything to happen, I think I have to change before anything, whether I will or not i don't know...

Sunday, 2 January 2011

All These Things I Hate

The title of this blog, is actually the name of the song I'm listening to, though it also has some relevance right now, so why not use it?

Parents seem to seem to think that they know best mainly due to 'experience', however what about if the child has more experience than the parent, I say this because right now, my family life is at a horrible place right now, it seems like my mum and I are completely opposite and this is causing near enough constant arguements. I respect my mum, no  matter what she says, she is a single mother of two, working a full time job as well as trying to look after my recently widowed grandmother..... this leads to stress, which I fully understand, i'm not heartless and I understand its a horrible situation.

What gets me is when apparently I dont know what stress and depression are like, just because she is older apparently I dont get depressed and stressed, no that is wrong, I have experienced stress, as well as depression, I imagine that I have had been in a worse situation than her, I know how horrible it was and when I was experiencing it I had nobody to talk to, I dont wish this on anyone else which is why I am always willing to talk to someone if they feel down, I dont want people getting to that stage, most people are willing to talk, but my mum is stubborn, I try to talk to her but to no avail, she seems to think I dont know what it is like when actually I do. All that happens instead is that we argue and I get close to saying things I know I would regrett because they would be said in spite.

Normally if I get to this stage I would just go for a long walk, but at the moment I am unable to do so, instead i'm here deafening myself with music which doesnt really help my mood, but it saves me shouting if I just listen to a Welshman doing it instead straight into my ears as loud as I can get it. Once I am able to walk however I can imagine myself walking out alot, into the darkness, where I would go I dont know, but right now I could just do with walking in the darkness for a few hours to clear my mind, but those walks will have to wait.

Saturday, 1 January 2011


So the new year has come, a fresh start has now arrived. I will say that the start of 2011 has been the best start to a year that I have had so far, I was counting down to midnight surrounded by close friends with a beer in hand, just having fun. Once the clocks hit midnight, there wasnt any negative feelings whatsoever, as everyone was hugging each other, wishing each other the best for the next year. I even spent about one and a half hours non stop laughing due to a comment that was made, I still laugh when I think of it.

The arrival of the new year also means that I have to consider what I want to achieve in the year to come, one of my friends believes that new year resolutions are over rated, they are never fulfilled throughout the year, and to some extent this is true, most years I will make a resolution such as to stop fighting with my younger brother, of course this fails after a period of time. However these resolutions will also be the goals I plan to achieve during my first year of adulthood. I have some very typical resolutions such as being able to drive within the year as well as doing well in my education and making my way into university. Though I also have my personal goals I want to achieve within my self, in order to improve myself as a person. One of these would be my confidence, although my confidence has improved recently, I would still like to improve it even further, especially as I will be going to university (hopefully) meaning I will have yet another new start, Im hoping by improving my confidence, when it comes to this new start I can fit in easier. Another resolution of mine is all about my friends, Towards the end of last year I was helping my friends out whenever they had any problems, my plan is to continue to be the person my friends can trust if they have a problem, no matter what it is. I plan to still be the friend who is willing to help, no matter what happens.

So I have my plans for the new year, and I hope that I can achieve them all, and hopefully by doing so I can further improve myself as a person.